Is what I’m about to do.
Hello again. I have risen from the dead. Not literally though. The past 1½ month has been difficult. I’ve had trouble finding myself in all this chaos, and I’ve had trouble controlling some aspects of my life. I haven’t really been in the mood for writing – I haven’t really been in the mood for much.
First of all I can tell that my drug abuse got a little out of hand a little too quickly. I guessdrugs controlled me more in the end than I controlled them. It lead me to a place, where I couldn’t recognize myself anymore, and I had to take a break to get it out of my system. For a month a stuck to psychedelics and weed. I even quit hashish for a while as well. I can’t say it wasn’t hard, since my mood was deeply influenced in a bad way, but it gave me time to think.
I think I grew too fund of cocaine and amphetamine. Not that I’ve taken either that many times, but it’s way too addictive, way too fast, I think. It’s an easy, quick way, to feel good, but I can’t control it. And the effects the days after you’ve taken amphetamine, is not something I want.
I’ve basically split all drugs I’ve tried in two groups – the good and the bad. Psychedelics are in general good, along with MDMA and ketamine. The bad ones are drugs like cocaine, amphetamine and fantasy – things that are addictive, dangerous and which I can’t control. Another thing is that I don’t allow myself to take MDMA too often, since this can have pretty fucking bad consequences for me. Actually I have an agreement with my new boyfriend (it all worked out in the end), that we should only do drugs when we are together, and when we agree that it’s a good time.
And now for the boyfriend part. Things are going at fast pace, and I am actually very comfortable with that. He has moved in with me, and we’re looking for a bigger place to live together. I really love him, and he’s extremely good to me. He has been an incredible support during these past months.
So what now? I’m actually feeling very good at the moment. I had a great trip on mushrooms last friday, and figured out a lot of stuff related to my current situation. I’m now more comfortable with the fact that I don’t have to grow up so fucking fast. I should take my time to stay young, as long as I can.
Anyway, it’s about to be bedtime. I’m kinda high. I’ve smoked a lot of good weed today, and haven’t really done much, except cleaning. I’m pretty tired, and looking forward to my man coming home soon, to cuddle, and possibly share a joint.
I don’t really know what happened.. it’s not that anything happened at all… I just feel sad. Nothing triggered it, it’s just been there most of the day.
I don’t feel like doing anything, but stay in bed and wait for tomorrow.
I think I have a boyfriend now, but I’m not really that sure about that fact. He’s just so fucking confusing, it makes me sick!
I’m not smoking too much at the moment. I take a few puffs every time a joint passes me by, but I don’t really get that high.. Well, at least since last week.
I’m really unsure what to do with myself right now. I just wanna lay down and weep, but even though I’m so close to crying, nothing happens. My stomach hurts, I have nausea and my head is kinda foggy…
Sometimes I feel like my life has just stopped. Like I won’t ever achieve anything else.. I don’t really have much faith in myself at the moment.. I know it’s incredibly stupid, but… Ah fuck it.. Whatever…
I’ve mentioned that I don’t do well with changes.. And everything is changing right now. But somehow.. Somehow it feels good. I’m at peace with these new changes.. Well, most of them at least.
I ate some mexican shrooms last saturday. Oh and some 2c-i the day before – this wasn’t very effectful though. I kinda think it wasn’t 2c-i after all.. Anywho.. Shrooms. I wasn’t tripping too bad. I didn’t have full blown visuals or anything, and my energy level was pretty fucking low. However, music was amazing. It was as if I could feel and see the layers in the music, almost like I could move around between them. Pretty amazing. Mostly I was just laying with closed eyes, thinking or feeling the music. I was thinking a lot about my current position. How I suddenly just began doing so many drugs! How everything just changed.. A new diagnosis (we’ll get back to that later..).. And a new family! Everything just started making sense, but still gave me a lot of questions about myself. And that’s what psychedelics do.. Gotta love them for fixing your life 😛
Last week I skipped my appointment with my psychiatrist. I spent the day feeling bad. Very fucking bad. I ended up doing ketamine with some friends. On a fucking tuesday afternoon. I ended up calling my grandma at midnight, and she came get me. I wasn’t too fucked up.. The next day I got an emergency appointment, and I got my diagnosis.. Apparently I’m borderline! This is very weird for me.. It was easier to handle when it was just a depression, but this chronic disease that I suddenly have, is just for life! But at least now I know that I’ll never be psychotic.
I just got a new bed 2 days ago. Spent half my savings on it. It’s not much of bed.. In fact it’s just four mattresses, right now forming a double bed on the floor. I got 3 of my good friends to help me clean my room. It was really out of hand. But with their help I got most of it done. It’s still pretty messy, and I need to clean up rest of my room. I just haven’t to to that yet.
My flirt has been visiting since monday evening. It’s been amazing. We’ve just been chilling, smoking some weed, listening to music, and talking.. It’s been so niice. I really like him.. A lot! He still doesn’t want to be called my boyfriend though.. However, he asked me if I wanted to find an apartment together.. That is kinda weird though. I said I’d think about it, but, it still is way too early… I think..
Now I need to light up a joint. I finished my first one right before this post, so I figure it might be time for another!
Ohana means family, and family means no one gets left behind or forgotten ❤
Shrooms taste like shit.. Really. Eeeew!
Apparently I’m pretty fucked up. At least, that’s what they tell me.. “Your attitude towards drugs is scary.” But I think I see a point.. I’m not sure. But maybe..
Well, I have been trying a lot of new stuff within the past month..
That’s 8 different drugs within 4 weeks… 2 new drugs every week.. I guess that’s pushing it a little. I guess I have the rest of my life to try it all, and I shouldn’t be in a rush, but I’m just in constant fear of not having enough time.
The past month has passed by extremely fast! It’s like it was just gone in a second! I don’t really know what happened.. I remember everything, but it’s like I haven’t really been a part of it… Or.. Well. I know I have been a part of it, but the fact that it just disappeared like that makes me wonder if I got enough out of the time passed..
My flirt made me promise to cut back on drugs. This means nothing but psychedelics once in a while.. We’re planning on buying a lot of LSD one of the following days, which should be fun fun fun! Oh, and of course I’m not planning on doing psychedelics all the time.. I wouldn’t even be able to do that. I guess I’d go insane ^^
On another note.. He says he loves me. That’s a big step. He’s got the keys for my apartment as well, so I guess it looks like it’s getting kind of serious. I’m not sure though… He has serious commitment problems, and won’t put the “relationship” label on it… He’s such a guy in that way… And I HATE myself for always finding guys like that… So fucking typical me!!!
It wouldn’t be good if someone decided to do a drug test on me, at the moment. I can truly say that I’m saying yes to life at the moment, and I’m loving it.
I’m not really sure what has happened since my last post. Time is flying by, and somehow I find it to be a good thing, since this may help summer arrive sooner.
The weekends are the most vivid memories these days. Well.. There are a lot of days mid-week I treat as weekends. Not too good, now I just started school. But god I love those weekends.
Last weekend I started out with some amphetamine on friday. It was an amazing party! Lot of people, and I was really tripping. Some of my friends had a few bottles of poppers. Fuck we had an awesome time! On saturday we went to the bar for a costume party. Me and some friends had dressed up as nazis. We still had a lot of fantasy left, and decided to take some. I remember getting to the party, and then nothing, until I woke up in my bed 5 hours later. Apparantly it wasn’t possible to get through to me. I was just blank. People say I’ve been walking in circles for 10 minutes, while they’s been shouting my name, with no reaction. Pretty crazy though. When I woke up, I just went back to the party, and partied for a few hours, before I went back to bed.
This week has been awesome. My friend bought some tattoo gear, and I guess we haven’t been the smartest bunch, since then. I already have 2 tattoos. the first one I got is an awesome smiley on my shoulder.. It’s so fucking ugly! xD But I love it. I also have an angel on my right arm. This one’s nice though. I really like it, though it’s not finished yet.
This friday was probably one of the best fridays in my life! We’d agreed to have a party in my room. My room is usually pretty fucking messy, and it’s not really possible to party in there. Due to that fact, a friend woke me up in the morning, and “helped” me clean up my entire room. I kinda felt like I was in the show hoarders, since he threw out most of my crap xD There were a lot of people helping me clean, and in the end, it was pretty good.
The party was amazing!!! There was an insane amount of people, and it was almost impossible to move around in there. I had bought 2 g of MDMA – now it was time for me to try this amazing drug of loooove. And it was amazing! The first gram disappeared within the first few hours. In general, I’m not really sure what happened, but it’s not like I’ve forgotten anything. Time just flew by, and I can’t wait to do it again! Emma ❤ Love of my life ❤
The rest of the weekend just vanished. Because I was sleeping. A lot. God I was tired… it’s insane how those drugs can get you so tired!!!
Now I’m in school. It’s such a bore.. I haven’t really payed attention for the past hour. I just can’t concentrate.